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The World Is There But It's Not There

My food pump wouldn’t work this morning and so I could not get any food into my body until we got it working again. Luckily. The interesting thing was how it did not stress me out at all. I think I’m so used to being connected to machines and having tubes coming out of me that I’m disconnected from the reality of how unnatural it is. It feels totally normal to me, I never think about it. It’s just my life now.

Which may seem sad but it’s how I cope with this illness. And I think it’s healthy to let this become your new normal otherwise you will constantly be suffering wanting more. The biggest source of suffering is wanting what you don’t have and thinking it will make you happy. But true happiness doesn’t depend on anything other than yourself. If you have an unhappy mindset, no amount of food or freedom or fancy things will fill that void and make you happy.

I’m not saying that we should all be happy lying here in bed in pain and darkness. But we can do mental work to make life livable here in bed. I have called this "making your world smaller" in the past. It's about letting go of the things we cannot have and letting our limited reality be our world and existence. The less we are wanting more, the happier we can be right now.

I also don't mean we should forget about all the things in life we cannot have. It’s a seemingly conflicting balancing act of letting the things we cannot have go, but knowing they are still out there waiting for us.

As long as we don’t forget that outside this bubble there is a whole world waiting for us and we continue to have hope for that in at least an abstract way it is a healthy practice.

In simpler terms, pizza is there but it not there for me in this world right now. I don’t sit and think about pizza, but I know someday I will eat it again and I have hope for that.

It’s kind of like putting all the things we cannot have in a box and putting them on a shelf in a closet for later. They’re there on the shelf in that box waiting for us but right now, they’re in the box, not here to use and enjoy right now.

But it’s just in a box on the shelf and all we need is for researchers to find the key to that closet and unlock the door for us. And there are hundreds of brilliant minds around the world working tirelessly to find a key to that lock.

The pizza is there, but it’s not there right now. Right now pizza does not exist for me. But I will eat it again. :)



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