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My sick body feels gross and makes me feel unlovable

My body is sick. And there are many things that this illness does to my body that are not beauty-magazine-beautiful. Some things are in fact quite gross. I have a tube coming out of my stomach, and a tube coming out of my chest next to my shoulder. I’ve lost half my hair and the rest is turning grayer by the day. (And to those who say that I’m "at that age" I’ll politely give you the finger). There are parts of my body that have only been cleaned with baby wipes for 9 years (I thankfully manage to clean my feet and privates with soap and water when I go to the bathroom). From some byproduct of my stomach not functioning, my lips are dry and cracked and peel constantly. And also from not ever eating or drinking, my mucus glands have gone haywire and when I sleep, phlegm builds up in my throat and mouth that takes a half hour to cough up when I wake up. Which is disgusting to say the least.

I’m lonely beyond words and long for company and physical connection. I haven’t been touched in any way for 9 years. I would give anything for the feeling of kissing a woman. But at the same time I can’t imagine someone kissing me.

I remember before getting so severely sick, my body felt strong and appealing to other people. I could imagine someone wanting to be with my body. I feel inner strength, but my body now feels sick and gross to me.

I imagine many or most of you have the same feeling, so I decided to say something about it. Likely at the risk of loosing any potential online romances :)

The truth is, I don’t know if someone would want to kiss me. Maybe it would be gross.

But I also know that this illness doesn’t define me or my body. The deeper truth is that this illness is like a passenger coming along for the ride and affecting my body for now. But as soon as the ME/CFS passenger gets off, my body will go back to being something that could be described as sexy by the right person, even if I will always be a goofy, scrawny fella :)

When the ME/CFS passenger gets off, the tubes will come out, I will shower again, and eat again and my lips and mucus glands will go back to normal.

Someday instead of waking up and peeling pieces of my lips off and coughing up mucus I will wake up to a beautiful woman who loves me and I’ll kiss her and smile as the morning sun comes in through the window. Who knows, maybe little kiddos will be running around the house.

I am kind of gross right now, and maybe you all are too, but I have big plans for the future and they don’t involve the free riding ME/CFS passenger or being gross. I’m going to shake it all off and shine like I am supposed to.

And so are all of you. We’re all going to shine.


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