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Dreams of Love

I had a terrible day yesterday. My mind was so clouded I couldn’t think clearly and I felt extremely depressed such that I couldn’t do anything or work on anything I just laid here staring at the ceiling. Then I rolled over and I SLEPT. For 7 hours. Not at the right time, but I slept. I am still exhausted I clearly ran into a wall with sleep deprivation and probably could sleep for 24 hours. But I have a medication schedule to keep to most importantly with Abilify (I’m already about 8 hours late). So I need to wake up now and get ready for the huge syringes full of liquid food plus meds to be injected into my GI and stomach through the Jtube.

I had two dreams when I slept. I don’t dream that often lately because I sleep so little and so poorly but when I do it is incredible. My dreams have always been rather epic, often detailed stories and in movie format (in a rectangular aspect ratio with shots rather than the human vision perspective. This is probably because of my long term [since 1998] pursuit of film and photography). Lately I either have long fantasy adventure dreams or on rare occasions I dream of falling in love. Not sex - I never have sex dreams it’s always falling in love. I think this likely speaks to the two things my soul longs for the most. Adventure, and the emotional human connection of love.

I just had one long adventure type dream about battling magicians and all kinds of rather sophisticated tricks they played on each other to cast spells on other magicians. Long battles of wit and magical knowledge and ability. Like most of my dreams it could have been a movie.

The other dream was about going out on New Years Eve and randomly meeting a beautiful girl and falling in love without even speaking much over the course of the evening. There was an instant connection between us. It was so detailed she was a whole real person in the dream - I remember what she looked like and how she moved. It was magical. I awake from these rare dreams with a sense of enchantment the likes of which is only comparable to Disney movies. And then it slowly fades of course.

Interestingly my life before ME/CFS was full of both adventure and Hollywood kind of love with some truly amazing women many of whom I could have happily married but didn’t pursue that because I’ve always put my adventures first. But I still have so much love for these women even the ones I don’t talk to anymore and I feel very lucky in this way. Some people seem to go through life without much love or none at all but I was blessed with so much.

One of my regrets is not following through with some of these relationships. But it just wasn’t the time. And when I was ready to put love first I got sick and as you know, a new relationship doesn’t work with ME/CFS. I did have several short lived girlfriends post ME/CFS but the relationships always had to end because of how lopsided they were.

I know that when a cure is found I will go on great adventures. But one thing I am uncertain of is my opportunities for a great love after ME/CFS. I’m getting older and time for certain things like a family is running out. Even when I get better I will have a lot of figuring out to do before I could be in a serious relationship.

I suppose I have a vague confidence that what I need or have space for will fall into place when I recover and when the time is right. Maybe if I’m lucky a beautiful love story awaits me.

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